Adventures at the Israeli Consulate: Part II

VOICEMAIL: Congratulations! This is the Israeli Consulate calling to tell you that your parents' citizenship has been clarified! Come by anytime to apply for your passport.

Next day:

CONSULATE: It says here in your application that your father is from France. But it says in our computer that he is Russian. Also, you put down that your mother is Belgian. The computer says that she is French.

ME: I got a call yesterday confirming that their citizenship was clarified. Isn't that all you need?

CONSULATE: Of course not. The records must be in order. I will need their American passports. Also, according to our data your parents are unmarried. We cannot issue citizenship when there is conflicting data.

ME: They got married in America. I guess they didn't bother to tell Israel.

CONSULATE: You will have to present us with their original marriage certificate before we can proceed. Perhaps you can mail it in?

ME: No. I will make another trip. Thank you.

CONSULATE: One more thing.

(PREGNANT PAUSE. I imagine she will now ask me to sing the Israeli National Anthem in front of this room full of strangers.)

CONSULATE: You wrote down in your application that your maiden name is PHILLIPS. But on your birth certificate your maiden name is spelled P-E-I-L-L-I-P-S. I will change your maiden name to Peillips on you application in order to avoid any confusion.

ME: (Looking at the letter in question) That is not an "E". It is obviously an "H".

CONSULATE: It is an "E".

ME: But... but just look a couple of lines down! It clearly says that my father's name is Claude Phillips. How could my maiden name be anything else but "Phillips"?

CONSULATE: I understand that it is confusing. (Clearly not understanding.) But we must stick to the name that is on your birth certificate, and on your birth certificate your name is "Linda Peillips". But it won't be a problem, because your passport will have your married name "Socher" and it will not matter what your maiden name is. It will never come up.

ME: Whatever. (Thinking: I know this will come back to bite me in the butt later.)

TO BE CONTINUED....