ME: Hello, again.
CONSULATE: All right, so what we are going to do is, we will try to issue you an Israeli passport. However, because the state of Israel does not recognize your marital status we will have to issue it under your maiden name. When you get to Israel you will visit the Ministry on the Interior (Misrad HaPnim). Over there you will apply to have your name changed to your married name, and you will then be issued a new passport along with your Israeli ID number.
ME: And what is my maiden name?
CONSULATE: (shrugging) It is Phillips, no?
ME: But you told me last week that my maiden name would have to be Peillips. Remember my birth certificate? The "H" that looks like an "E"?
CONSULATE: (recognition dawning on her face) Oh, yes..... That's correct. The name will read "Linda Peillips". Okay, so you will have it changed anyways, when you get to Israel.
ME: Won't it be a problem that my marriage certificate names me as Linda Phillips?
CONSULATE: That is not the point. The point is that, for the sake of accuracy, we have to spell your name as it is spelled on your birth certificate. I tell you this as a friend. (Tip to myself: Remember that later.) I do not want for you to have any problems with your paperwork when you arrive in Israel.
ME: (Thinking, Are we even having the same conversation? Has she been on her bluetooth this entire time speaking to somebody else?) So let me get this straight: Once I arrive in Israel my name will be Linda Peillips. If anybody asks my name, I am to say that I am Linda Peillips, daughter of Claude Phillips, son of Lewis Fulep, traveling with my husband and children, the Sochers. That is what I will say when I am asked for my ID at the airport. And that won't cause any problems. It won't look suspicious?
CONSULATE: Exactly.
ME: (sorely feeling that bite in the butt which I mentioned earlier) Whatever.
A little aggravation is a small price to pay in order to live in the beautiful country which Hashem has given us, which He wants us to live in, right? He just doesn't want to make it any easier for us than He did for, say, Moses.
So when I arrive in Israel as an "Oleh Chadash" (B"H) I will be a new person. In every sense of the word. And if you happen to see me at the airport, please don't call call out my name. Better yet, just wave.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Adventures at the Israeli Consulate: Part II
VOICEMAIL: Congratulations! This is the Israeli Consulate calling to tell you that your parents' citizenship has been clarified! Come by anytime to apply for your passport.
Next day:
CONSULATE: It says here in your application that your father is from France. But it says in our computer that he is Russian. Also, you put down that your mother is Belgian. The computer says that she is French.
ME: I got a call yesterday confirming that their citizenship was clarified. Isn't that all you need?
CONSULATE: Of course not. The records must be in order. I will need their American passports. Also, according to our data your parents are unmarried. We cannot issue citizenship when there is conflicting data.
ME: They got married in America. I guess they didn't bother to tell Israel.
CONSULATE: You will have to present us with their original marriage certificate before we can proceed. Perhaps you can mail it in?
ME: No. I will make another trip. Thank you.
CONSULATE: One more thing.
(PREGNANT PAUSE. I imagine she will now ask me to sing the Israeli National Anthem in front of this room full of strangers.)
CONSULATE: You wrote down in your application that your maiden name is PHILLIPS. But on your birth certificate your maiden name is spelled P-E-I-L-L-I-P-S. I will change your maiden name to Peillips on you application in order to avoid any confusion.
ME: (Looking at the letter in question) That is not an "E". It is obviously an "H".
CONSULATE: It is an "E".
ME: But... but just look a couple of lines down! It clearly says that my father's name is Claude Phillips. How could my maiden name be anything else but "Phillips"?
CONSULATE: I understand that it is confusing. (Clearly not understanding.) But we must stick to the name that is on your birth certificate, and on your birth certificate your name is "Linda Peillips". But it won't be a problem, because your passport will have your married name "Socher" and it will not matter what your maiden name is. It will never come up.
ME: Whatever. (Thinking: I know this will come back to bite me in the butt later.)
TO BE CONTINUED....
Next day:
CONSULATE: It says here in your application that your father is from France. But it says in our computer that he is Russian. Also, you put down that your mother is Belgian. The computer says that she is French.
ME: I got a call yesterday confirming that their citizenship was clarified. Isn't that all you need?
CONSULATE: Of course not. The records must be in order. I will need their American passports. Also, according to our data your parents are unmarried. We cannot issue citizenship when there is conflicting data.
ME: They got married in America. I guess they didn't bother to tell Israel.
CONSULATE: You will have to present us with their original marriage certificate before we can proceed. Perhaps you can mail it in?
ME: No. I will make another trip. Thank you.
CONSULATE: One more thing.
(PREGNANT PAUSE. I imagine she will now ask me to sing the Israeli National Anthem in front of this room full of strangers.)
CONSULATE: You wrote down in your application that your maiden name is PHILLIPS. But on your birth certificate your maiden name is spelled P-E-I-L-L-I-P-S. I will change your maiden name to Peillips on you application in order to avoid any confusion.
ME: (Looking at the letter in question) That is not an "E". It is obviously an "H".
CONSULATE: It is an "E".
ME: But... but just look a couple of lines down! It clearly says that my father's name is Claude Phillips. How could my maiden name be anything else but "Phillips"?
CONSULATE: I understand that it is confusing. (Clearly not understanding.) But we must stick to the name that is on your birth certificate, and on your birth certificate your name is "Linda Peillips". But it won't be a problem, because your passport will have your married name "Socher" and it will not matter what your maiden name is. It will never come up.
ME: Whatever. (Thinking: I know this will come back to bite me in the butt later.)
TO BE CONTINUED....
Friday, July 25, 2008
Adventures at the Israeli Consulate: Part I
CONSULATE: So, you would like to get an Israeli passport. Why?
ME: We're making aliyah, but because my parents are Israeli citizens I was told that I would have to go with an Israeli passport.
CONSULATE: What is your Israeli ID number?
ME: I don't have one. That's why I'm here.
CONSULATE: May I have your mother's Israeli ID number?
ME: (giving it to her) My mother has had this number memorized for 48 years. It was her personal ID number when she was in the Israeli army. Also, here is her Israeli passport.
CONSULATE: This number is only six digits. An Israeli ID number is always 9 digits. And this passport doesn't even register on our computer. It is too old.
ME: (thinking wildly) Well, Israel was only a year old when my mother immigrated. Perhaps that is why the number is so small. There are more people now.
CONSULATE: I'm sorry, I cannot help you.
ME: Wait! If I give you her name can you look it up on the computer? Her maiden name is Sarah Szczupakiewicz.
CONSULATE: Is Szczupakiewicz spelled with an "aleph"? What is her birthday?
(Lots of typing, hemming, sighing)
CONSULATE: It says here that there was a Sarah Szczupakiewicz in Haifa.
ME: Yes! That's her! She lived in Haifa.
CONSULATE: We still can't be sure we have the right person. You will have to clarify her citizenship. It could take months.
ME: (Thinking: How many Sarah Szczupakiewicz's could there be?) But we're leaving in September!
CONSULATE: Sorry. NEXT!
ME: We're making aliyah, but because my parents are Israeli citizens I was told that I would have to go with an Israeli passport.
CONSULATE: What is your Israeli ID number?
ME: I don't have one. That's why I'm here.
CONSULATE: May I have your mother's Israeli ID number?
ME: (giving it to her) My mother has had this number memorized for 48 years. It was her personal ID number when she was in the Israeli army. Also, here is her Israeli passport.
CONSULATE: This number is only six digits. An Israeli ID number is always 9 digits. And this passport doesn't even register on our computer. It is too old.
ME: (thinking wildly) Well, Israel was only a year old when my mother immigrated. Perhaps that is why the number is so small. There are more people now.
CONSULATE: I'm sorry, I cannot help you.
ME: Wait! If I give you her name can you look it up on the computer? Her maiden name is Sarah Szczupakiewicz.
CONSULATE: Is Szczupakiewicz spelled with an "aleph"? What is her birthday?
(Lots of typing, hemming, sighing)
CONSULATE: It says here that there was a Sarah Szczupakiewicz in Haifa.
ME: Yes! That's her! She lived in Haifa.
CONSULATE: We still can't be sure we have the right person. You will have to clarify her citizenship. It could take months.
ME: (Thinking: How many Sarah Szczupakiewicz's could there be?) But we're leaving in September!
CONSULATE: Sorry. NEXT!
The Road to Israel is Meant to be Difficult...
.... and the Israeli Consulate is there to make sure of it.
I now understand why people say that anything worth having is worth struggling for.
ALIYAH AGENCY: Welcome! So you want to make aliyah? Wonderful. We are here to help you in any way we can.
ME: Thank you.
ALIYAH AGENCY: So, have you ever been to Israel?
ME: Once, when I was sixteen, for about two weeks.
ALIYAH AGENCY: Lovely. Now, to get things started I will need some information about your family history. Have either of your parents ever lived in Israel?
ME: Yes. As a matter of fact, both of my parents came to Israel after the Holocaust. They spent several years there before they moved to America to get married.
ALIYAH AGENCY: Really? Did they serve in the army?
ME: Yes.
ALIYAH AGENCY: So they are Israeli citizens?
ME: Yes. I suppose.
ALIYAH AGENCY: CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are already an Israeli!
ME: ?
ALIYAH AGENCY: According to Israeli law anyone born to an Israeli citizen is automatically considered an Israeli citizen. You are what is called an "Ezrach Oleh", an Israeli citizen born abroad.
ME: Okay.
ALIYAH AGENCY: Of course, this means you will have to get an Israeli passport before you can make aliyah.
ME: Will that be difficult?
ALIYAH AGENCY: No, of course not. (lying through their teeth) You are an Israeli! Just go to the Israeli Consulate and they will issue you a passport right away. They are in this very same building on the 17th floor. Nothing could be easier. (lying again)
TO BE CONTINUED...
I now understand why people say that anything worth having is worth struggling for.
ALIYAH AGENCY: Welcome! So you want to make aliyah? Wonderful. We are here to help you in any way we can.
ME: Thank you.
ALIYAH AGENCY: So, have you ever been to Israel?
ME: Once, when I was sixteen, for about two weeks.
ALIYAH AGENCY: Lovely. Now, to get things started I will need some information about your family history. Have either of your parents ever lived in Israel?
ME: Yes. As a matter of fact, both of my parents came to Israel after the Holocaust. They spent several years there before they moved to America to get married.
ALIYAH AGENCY: Really? Did they serve in the army?
ME: Yes.
ALIYAH AGENCY: So they are Israeli citizens?
ME: Yes. I suppose.
ALIYAH AGENCY: CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are already an Israeli!
ME: ?
ALIYAH AGENCY: According to Israeli law anyone born to an Israeli citizen is automatically considered an Israeli citizen. You are what is called an "Ezrach Oleh", an Israeli citizen born abroad.
ME: Okay.
ALIYAH AGENCY: Of course, this means you will have to get an Israeli passport before you can make aliyah.
ME: Will that be difficult?
ALIYAH AGENCY: No, of course not. (lying through their teeth) You are an Israeli! Just go to the Israeli Consulate and they will issue you a passport right away. They are in this very same building on the 17th floor. Nothing could be easier. (lying again)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Monday, July 21, 2008
O.K., now what?
Aliyah Checklist:
Plane tickets purchased................................check
Belongings stored in attic..............................check
Suitcases ready to be packed..............................check
House ready for rental..................................check
New tenants secured.....................................check
Passports procured....................................check
Israel SIM card ...........................check
Books and toys to occupy children on plane..............................check
Somewhere to go when we get off the plane..................................ummmmm
Plane tickets purchased................................check
Belongings stored in attic..............................check
Suitcases ready to be packed..............................check
House ready for rental..................................check
New tenants secured.....................................check
Passports procured....................................check
Israel SIM card ...........................check
Books and toys to occupy children on plane..............................check
Somewhere to go when we get off the plane..................................ummmmm
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